Bittersweet

Well it's a Thursday night but there's a high school game

Sneak a bottle up the bleachers and forget my name

These 5A bastards run a shallow cross

It's a boy's last dream and a man's first loss

                                            -Jason Isbell, Speed Trap Town 

I am a huge fan of Jason Isbell.  He paints such a vivid image of small town life in Alabama, and with that one line "It's a boy's last dream and a man's first loss" he beautifully captures the melancholy loss of youthful innocence.  I have thought about that line often, and it has brought me to tears on more than one occasion.   

Watching my sons grow up is so bittersweet.  Often times I am caught up in the grief of my own loss as my cuddly babies grow up and away from me, but those lyrics take my breath away, and I realize how each passing year steals away some of the carefree innocence of childhood. 

A few weeks back we attended a school sponsored Rockies game on a chilly April evening.  We sat in a section with the other fifth grade families, my eldest huddled with a bunch of rowdy classmates, chanting song lyrics and doing just about everything but watching the game.  Eventually the boys, with a few bucks in their pockets ventured off to concessions running around, a pack of pre-teens clearly buzzing with with the thrill of new found independence.  I saw a smile on my son's face I had never seen before, and I felt.... damn happy for him.  I wasn't consumed with my own feelings of loss or fear, I was just excited for my boy, and all that his future holds.

I remember my early moments of freedom,  first, at eleven, walking a half mile to the nearby convenience store with my sister to load up on candy, feeling so grown and independent. And later, an 18 year old in the passenger seat of a convertible, a cute older boy with shoulder-length blonde hair at the wheel, driving way too fast, summer air, stars, I felt like the whole world was ahead of me, and it was. 

My son is growing up, and it is exciting as I see him become who he will be.  I think of all the years to come, his first crush, his first dance, his first job, his graduation, and I know that his future is full of endless possibility.  But there will be loss.  There will be heartbreak, disappointment and broken dreams, but I hope that his life will be different, than the one Jason Isbell sings of.  I hope that no matter what set backs and pain he endures he will never, ever stop dreaming.  

You are never too old to dream.  

I still do.